I'm sorry that I haven't posted in awhile. I was waiting for something big to happen that I could post about, and now that it has come, I wish it had never happened.
I heard that a friend of mine from second grade hanged himself this week.
I know it is much easier for you to have someone you don't know that well to die than someone you know very well. But the down side is my friend, who I hadn't seen in six years, only appears in small places in my memory. And he's never moping around or acting depressed. He's always smiling and laughing or making a joke or sining a silly song about "Different countries of the americas" Most people would instantly assume he changed in those six years, but I've seen photos of him, obviously not. In the pictures, he's smiling the way you can't fake.
And yet he killed himself.
I don't know the whole story, only he was angry so he stormed up to his room, tied the knot, and did it. But something else must have been going on who he was angry at is undoubtedly not to blame. Something was eating away at him. I fell like if I could just have five minutes alone talking to him before he did it I could have stopped it. Whenever something bad happens, I always think about it from what I could do if I was there before it happened.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. It just helps me to think about it when I type. The only real insight I can provide is it is the human impulse to feel sad and guilty when someone is dead. But if I could talk to his ghost I assure you, he would want to be remembered not by weeping, but by "Different countries".
Amen.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry for your pain over this, John. I understand something of your feelings. I had a friend who committed suicide some years ago (although he was an adult, not someone your age). And, although he had had many difficulties in the past, everything seemed to be going well for him, but obviously wasn't, when he killed himself.
ReplyDeleteWhen something bad like that happens, whatever else we feel, I think we do experience your "I felt like if I could just have fine minutes...I could have stopped it." I think it is wonderful that you always consider how you might have helped a bad situation, but the reality is that we often can't. And it is important to understand that, because it is easy for guilt to arise.
In any event, my prayers are with you and your friend.
Age beyond your years John.
ReplyDeleteOh John... I'm so sorry. I will echo everything Susan said. Regardless of what happened, your friend was lucky to have you as a friend, and so are we.
ReplyDeleteJohn as an adult I have a friend who also did this but in a different way. He got to a point in his life where I guess he decided there was no hope left and he did that. I am an adult, and I still do not understand what he did. I have the same ideas you do about this: "Had I been there, I could have stopped it."
ReplyDeleteMaybe we coudl have stopped it but maybe not. I hope that you find some peace. You are a very great writer.
Phew. You changed the background color. Now I won't be blind when I look away from the screen.
ReplyDeleteJohn, hang in there. Embrace the positive: Different countries in America, fun and laughter. You know that your friend loved silliness. Continue the silliness. Carry that legacy forward.
Love, Mom
John; So sorry for your loss. We are so proud of you and the thoughts you expressed so maturely.
ReplyDelete